Saturday Jovan Belcher of the Kansas City Chiefs killed his girlfriend and then killed himself in front of his coach Romeo Cranell and the gm of the team. The couple had a 3 month old daughter and my heart goes out to her. But this isn’t what i’m writing about. I’m writing about the issues of mental health and males in this country.From the time we are young, we are told not to cry…big boys don’t cry…stop acting like a girl…man up. Place the statement you heard/said here. The problem is nobody has taught us how to deal with emotional issues, nobody has taught us how to express our feelings in a healthy manner. Break up with a girl…go get some new pussy. Lose a job…don’t stress it. Lay up for a minute, collect unemployment and get a new job. Something not right in the head…drink/smoke something.
Who do we turn to when things get tough? Generally, men turn to other men. Women turn to other women and then seek counseling because it’s more acceptable for a woman to seek mental health counseling. It’s a sign of weakness when a man goes anywhere near a doctor of any sort. And that’s where we have it all twisted. Male masculinity is all about strength. All about power. All about control. Men don’t give an inch, we take a whole yard. We are beasts, animals, untamed, wild. We are men and men are tough…
Until we aren’t anymore and we lose our minds. We lose control. Our lives begin to spiral and we have no idea what to do. There’s no one we can turn to. There’s no one we can talk to that can help us deal with these issues. So we turn our anger outwards toward. We drink, we smoke we stress until we lose our hair and then we really get angry. our loved ones. We beat our girlfriends, our wives, our children. And sometimes…we commit the ultimate sin. We start killing the ones we love the most and ourselves. Why?! Why did it have to come down to the most selfish act of violence imaginable? Why is this 3 month old little girl an orphan? Why is Kasandra Perkins dead? Why is Zina Haughton dead?
I got divorced in September. Before the divorce was finalized, I had to go to counseling. I wasn’t made by the courts to go…I HAD TO GO!!!! I was losing my mind. I didn’t have the mental strength to deal with what was going on. I loved my wife so much that I couldn’t see life without her. There was a period of time I contemplated suicide. I was drunk every weekend. I started smoking weed just because. I spent more time in the clubs and bars. I was surrounded by hundreds of people and I never felt more alone. So I went to counseling. I sought metal help. I didn’t want to do anything crazy that I would later regret. I went to a doctor and talked for an hour at a time for a few months. Some I went to with my ex-wife, most I went alone because no matter what happened, I had to get my mind right. I had to get my mind to a place where I could function properly, where I could work a full shift without breaking out in tears, where I could drive my car and not want to pull into head on traffic, where I could walk across a bridge and not want to jump. And then I went to counseling some more. I started attending church and Bible study. I did whatever I could to get my mind and spirit to a better place…and it started working. Talking to someone who didn’t know me and didn’t judge me was such a relief. I sincerely believe counseling kept me sane and alive.
We need to teach our sons, our men how to deal with our feelings. We need to know how to talk about what’s bothering us in a healthy manner. The same way we can talk about football or sex, we need to be able to talk about stress and pain. Men need to know it’s ok to be hurt, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok not to be strong all the time. Once we get to the point where we can express our feelings without being looked upon as soft, we will have many fewer situations like Kasandra Perkins or Zina Haughton.
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