There are two words in the English language that should never, ever go together. Because together, they mean somebody wasn’t on point, somebody wasn’t on their job. Together these two words mean, as a man, I haven’t handled my B.I. Those two words: Single and Mother. Single…Mother. Single mother. These two words are formed far too often in American society and there’s really no excuse for it. I’ve written two blogs about the issues around being a baby mama/baby daddy. In the second of those two, a couple of people posted saying they really disliked the term baby mama. I really don’t know how to respond to that except to say: If you don’t like being referred to as a baby mama, DON’T BECOME ONE!
Princess Cut!
Yeah, I said it! And I don’t care who gets mad about it. You can’t be angry about a label people or society puts on you when you, without question, fit the label. I am considered an ex-con. Do I like it? No…but it’s something that’s going to stick to me for a long time because…I am an ex-con! If I didn’t want to be labeled as such, my behaviors should have reflected so. You don’t want to be a baby mama, then stop allowing these dudes to knock you up and leave you high and dry with a baby. A baby that, for the most part, you are going to end up taking care of on your own. According to the US Census Bureau(http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/2011/tables/11s1336.pdf), 40.6% of all children born were to unmarried women in 2008. 40.6% y’all! Back in 1980 it was only 18.4%. What has happened? What has changed in American society where 40.6% of the babies are being born to unwed mothers? I’m going to tell you what happened….in my opinion.
I was born on my mother’s 16th birthday in 1972. By the time my mother had my little brother a couple of years later, she was not only married, she got the dude to adopt me! A few years ago I figured out what she had done differently. She had the expectation of getting married. My Grandmother was married, all of my mother’s older siblings were married, all the adults she had any significant contact with were married. So she went into any situation with those same expectations. Those expectations no longer exist, for the most part, in American society. It’s “old fashioned” to be married before you shack up, before you procreate, before you start playing house. Everybody has seen Steve Harvey’s Think Like A Man movie and a lot of people have read the book…but did you really hear what he said? Did you really feel what the message he was trying to give you? If you don’t have any expectations of being married, you’re only going to be some dude’s baby mama!
Listen!!!!!
There’s an old school saying “Why buy the cow when I get the milk for free?” Read that ladies…marinate on that for a little while. I’m going to translate for you…why marry you when you are doing all the things a wife is supposed to do WITHOUT the ring! Why would a man bother? I’m getting all the benefits of marriage without the commitment. Is that a sweet deal or what?! You cook, you clean, you cheer, you support, you give me money, you put me on your insurance knowing I have no license, you let me drive your car, and you let me move into your house. You’re not an ATM, a ride, or a sperm receptacle. You are a woman; one to be adored, worshipped, catered to and protected. Once you make him realize you are all of these things and more, he will be honored to ask your hand in marriage.
The Way It Should Be
That means fellas, stop being lames and leaving these women and your babies all over the place. It’s great that you take care of your kids. Round of applause for that. But riddle me this: If you can make a baby with her, why can’t you marry her? Why can’t you step up and claim her as yours? I mean, you’d beat a dude up for talking to her, right? You’d be sick if you found out she was dating someone else, right? You really can’t handcuff her if you haven’t committed yourself to her. And the only real way to commit yourself to a woman is marrying her. See the problem is, dudes want to be able to be out when they choose. They don’t want to be tied down because the next chick over here isn’t expecting him to commit. She just wants to have him around. Fellas, you have to see what this is doing to these women, your daughters, your sons. You want some lame to get your daughter pregnant and not marry her? You want your son going out and creating babies all over the place because that’s what his father did? You want your woman to leave you because somebody else came along and swept her off her feet and put a ring on it? Yeah, I know “my girl ain’t never gonna leave!” Homie, please believe and understand this: she can and she will if the right dude comes along and sees her worth.
The bottom line, if you don’t want to be labeled as a baby momma, stop being a baby momma. Whatever mistakes you have made in the past, put them to rest in the past. Don’t keep repeating them. If you’re with your baby daddy/child’s father now, start having some expectations. You’ve shown him enough to want to be with you, now it’s time for him to show you he wants to keep you. Peace!
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And agian I say I still dont like the term. I see you where your coming from but only to a certain extent. The whole baby momma/ baby daddy terms are used to loosly. For you to say that ” If you don’t want to be a baby mama, then stop allowing these dudes to knock you up and leave you high and dry with a baby. A baby that, for the most part, you are going to end up taking care of on your own.” is taking it too far. Everyone makes mistakes first of all. You don’t know these women predicuments to sit up here and judge them. That still does not put women in the place to be referred to as a BM. And the way you and other ppl use the term is tasteless. Okay so what, she is taking care of her child/ren on her own. Since when did that turn into a bad thing on her part. If a woman can work full time, go to school full time and take care of her kids etc, while maintaining a stable mind is very couragous if you ask me. Yet just because she has possibly mad a mistake or things didnt workout with her and the childs father, and she is doing it all on her own she is now considered a BM …seems grammatically incorrect if you ask me. Yeah a mother who dont do right by her children and may have some ignorant way by all call them what you may. But when a mother who has a child takes care of them like she is suppose to , make sure they have a stable house, food on the table, clothes on their back etc, you should be more considerate instead of belittling her. The way your using it is tacky, degrading, and what some may say even prejudice.
Unless a woman was raped, she had choices. Even when you make a mistake, you still have to live with all that comes with that mistake. Now instead of calling a woman a baby mama, we could go back to the real olden day and say she is the mother of Bastard children. I don’t think anybody wants that. Again, I’m considered an ex-con because I went to prison. Society put that label on me, even though I don’t feel I’m an ex-con. I feel like I paid my debt to society. This is something I will have to live with every time I fill out an application for a job, an apartment or federal student aid. We are a product of our mistakes…let’s just stop repeating the same ones over and over again.
Bastard isn’t even used in this day and age anymore. Since it has stopped being used for so long it is considered offensive too. I am a single mother of two. So, to answer your question of which one would I prefer …”No it is not is what it is” I don’t prefer either and I wish someone would dare consider me as either!!! I am and forever will be the mother of Reign & Genesis, not a mother of a bastard nor someone’s baby momma.
All the more reason to make sure it stops here. You don’t Reign and Genesis having this argument do you? I’m sure you don’t want them to be the single mother of any number of children. Wouldn’t you rather them be wife of…and then mother of…? In order for them to have those expectations, you have to teach them. You teach them by example. So before you become the single mother of three…become the WIFE of…!
So infinite I see you have hit a nerve in someone, as it stands is I still fully agree, I believe the terms are perfect for the popel that fit them and are being called them. If you where not a wife or a husband to the person you have a child with, or even ingaged you are and will always be the baby momma/babby daddy. Your not the ex wife/husband. LD220, Im sure you have two great kids, but the fact of the matter is you are setting an example. your situation is now glorified in your kids eyes, to them, unless your teaching them different, its ok to make babies with people and not commit to them. So in the big picture, these kids(not yours) will never know how to be a women, or a men cause there child like acts are exceptable in there minds. Now step back take your feelings out of this and understand what infinite is getting at here, its not to attack those who are a babby mommy or a babby daddy it’s to help us stop becoming and reaising future babby momma’s and babby daddy’s. You dont have to except being called that, but reality is your a babby momma, unless you where married or some tragic situations has caused you to be by your self with two kids. Yet again this is my opinion.
Ofcourse, I want the best for my children. At the end of the day as a mother I will love them regardless. Through the good and the bad despite if they may make a bad choice or not. Just so you know I dont regret the choices that I have made by becoming a mother. I don’t have any drama on my end by my kids fathers. Both of mines came out of relationships with two different men that I still have good relationships with to this day. If I choose to have any other kids its my own preference. If I am in a position to take care of mines why not? Who is anyone to judge but GOD?
And by the way alot of marriages are going, I’d rather not be married right about now anyway. Being a single mother beats being married, yet seperated. Thinking that like you he is at home trying to think of way to reconcile, but he is instead out sleepy with someone. It beats someone being in a so called serious relationship with a live in girlfriend. The chick is at home thinking everything is okay but he’s out with a chick he got on with at a bar staying the night. We’re talking about terms here so what do you call these people??? I’m am so good on all of that.
No Mr. Smith, he did not hit a nerve at all. This is a blog isn’t it? Just like you it is “my opinion”. My emotions aren’t involved to have to take out my feelings.
Let me ask you both something…This is not me trying to be funny but could it be that the real reason both of you feel so strongly about this whole Baby Momma term is because you both are going or went through “situations” with the mother of your child??? Just because yours allow you to call her it doesn’t mean the rest have to be passive to it.
Your question is a fair one: I don’t have “situations” with my son’s mom. I actually have very limited contact with her. My argument isn’t about me using the term, my argument is about getting rid of the term all together. But the only way to do that is to make changes. And yes a lot of marriages are failing but all of the situations you mentioned occur to all types of couples everyday. You shouldn’t be married if you aren’t ready, but I really have a hard time believing the majority of women that had children out of wedlock wouldn’t have preferred to have their child(ren) by their husband.
lol LD220, I have a baby momma, and she understands why I call her that. I currently date a baby momma, who I have discussed this with. We will not have any kids untill we are married and we are taking precautionary steps to make sure that happens. This is the choices we are making as clear minded adults. We dont want to have kids and raise them out of wedlock and have there minds groomed to believe it is ok to fornicate and make kids with every girlfriend/boyfriend they may have. We as a whole already lost most family traditions now we losing out on our family morals with women/men thinking how you are. It dont matter that you can financialy take care of your kids doesn’t mean thats what it takes to rais a child. It takes both a MOM and DAD and grand parents to raise a child. Some where along the line we the society allowed it to be ok to have kids out of wedlock and think its cute. Well its not, 80% of people in prosion come from a single parent home, 40% of high school drop outs come from a single parent home, 60% of GED holders come from a single parent. A study done by the reporters from 20/20 say if you grow up in single parent home you are more likely to rebell and get into drugs, drop out of school and be on ware fare then a child from a home where the parents are married. Theses are important numbers why? As we know statistics come from a patteren of history and as we know history tends to repeat it self. So please lets stop the single minded selfishly child like thinking and lets raise the bar back to where are grandparents and great grandparents had it. In my opinion!
To add, Ld220 you have a point about current marriages not working out, this is because people are not think it through, marriage is not a thing you do, its a life style its a way of life. You cant just get married because your pregnant, you cant get married just so you can have sex and not be fround apon you get married because you believe in it, both parties have to believe that eachother is the one there are willing to be with through sickness and health, richer or poorer till death do you part. Marriage is a fight marriage is school marriage is commitment. If you get married for show or jsut cause someone hase money or tas a get rich scheme you only add to the bad statistics of marriages. Take a look around are you adding to the craziness and failure to our society or not?
I read this blog last night and was totally speechless.I swear that term just like the “N” word, really irks my nerves. Its funny how some many people use a word just because they think its cool, without even knowing the origin. Some people know but some people don’t and this is to those that don’t know.
The term Baby Momma was originated several years ago. “baby mama” is said to have originated in Jamaican creole as a reference to an unwed mother and is now common in American Urban Ebonics.. Of course we as Americans have this habit of taking words that’s not ours and creating a lingo out of them. Single mothers (Some Fathers) have been around for a longtime. Just because someone made a song in the late 90s (It’s just my baby daddy) and like always, we as America has grabbed onto this term doesn’t mean you should treat the person you chose to create a child with like I a derogative manner. You say that we need to teach our children not to be Baby momma/baby daddies. Yet how can you expect the child to respect both parents if the one parent doesn’t respect the other?
I am in a relationship with a great man, whom I happen to have two great kids by. We are not married and haven’t even considered it yet. But I will say this we are still madly in love with each other and very happy. So I really feel that marriage should not matter when it comes to this subject. The term should not be used because you should hold the mother or father of your children at higher regards of respect. Baby Momma/ Daddy scream negativity in a big way. Have more respect for the person that you chose to lay up with.
To the smith person how does being a single parent add to the craziness? especially if the child is in good standards, high honor roll, etc. What about the young brothers that graduated from high school and is in college hat only had their mothers? What about that young sisters that graduated from high school and is on her way to becoming a doctor, though she only had her father in her life. Yeah I see you did some research and came back to respond to the sister LLD220, but there are also some positve stories of single parents that does not get reconized in our neighborhoods everyday . Infinite7154, You claim the argument is about getting rid of the term all together (which is great) but that fact remain the same that you are one of the ones that uses it. In order for you to make a change it starts with yourself. Live as an example. The last two responses from you and the guy smith are more positive than the ones you started out with by the way.
Reality35, it’s great you and your man have that type of love for one another. It’s a beautiful thing when things are working out. But your one sentence is the jist of the issue that I have:”We are not married and haven’t even considered it yet.” You both decided to have two wonderful children, create two beautiful lives together but never…not once… consider bonding your lives into one happy family. If you both love each other so deeply, marriage is the next natural step. Marriage has everything to do with what I’m saying.
I don’t personally refer to my son’s mother as my bm but I know plenty of guys who do. My son’s mother refers to me as her baby daddy, that’s just how I’m identified when it comes to her. What I’m saying to you and everyone else is simple: You don’t like the label, make changes so the label doesn’t apply to you. You have a good man. Marry him!
eality35, I want to first High five you. You did your home work and you actually know your stuff. I love the success stories about the brothers and the one girl who is going to be a doctor. Great stuff But let’s not allow those examples to influence us that a single parent home is a good thing. Yes I am guilty; I call the mother of my child my baby momma. The origin of this term which you have made very clear to us where it’s from and what it means “is said to have originated in Jamaican creole as a reference to an unwed mother and is now common in American Urban Ebonics.” Hmmmm, please tell me for the people that we call these “terms” does the definition not fit? Please don’t misunderstand me it’s not impossible to raise a child in a single parent home, but wouldn’t it be great to get rid of the percentages that are attached to the single parents home? Remember not every single parent home is a good one or has a success story. The goal is to stop raising uneducated anger filled children that have the odds against them from the start. The terms baby momma and baby daddy will never go away, but the people being labeled them can. Point being if there is some way of life that is proven to produce good family tradition great family morals why not try that , why not join the higher percentage of success instead trying to beat the odds just because we are strong enough to get through doesn’t mean we have to raise kids in a single parent home. A man once told me “Together we stand, Divided we will fall.” This statement has proven to be true in several cases. So people please let’s fight to lower the percentage of baby momma’s and baby daddy’s we have out there now a days. The fact that this is the norm is disturbing to me. It seems to that we are losing our way or just being plain lazy, let’s take the time and do not just what’s necessary but what’s right for the future of our children and race. It’s bad enough that our children out in the streets killing one another because of one stupid reason after another. Once again in my opinion.
I think the word and term has a different meaning based on your life experiences. I only use to term “Baby momma” with women who use thier kids to try to keep men. I know alot of women who deserve this term based on thier actions. I have to agree with Infinite7154, on this point. Women get pregnant with men who don’t want to get married or to men who they are not even with. If the man and female are not together why does the women feel obligated to have this baby. Now I can understand if you dont believe in abortion, but if you’d already had one or a couple why are you keeping this baby. Of course I know that u shouldnt be in that position at all but its a reality. I never understood how women choose which baby to keep and which ones not too. At the end of the day if your not with the dude at all it makes for a bad situation because that women is looking for a family based on the man getting her pregnant. So to that extent Infinite7154 is right! If you dont want the label do things differently. When it comes to pregnancy women hold all the cards, plus women could put a stop to alot of things. Unwed babies and skinny jeans are two things off the top of my mind that women can put an immediate stop to them by not messing with men with skinny jeans or men not looking for marriage. Sorry I had to throw the skinny jeans in there!!!!LOL
My name is Vanedda R. Dixon and I’m a baby mama lol. I personally don’t have a problem with the term hell I have been called much worse. I am the mama of his baby. He is the daddy of my baby it is what it is. IN THAT ORDER.
Personally I hate the term too, and when my daughter’s mother got pregnant and it became clear that our relationship was not going to make it, I made sure she understood never to call me her bd. I view it to be highly disrespectful. Although, I don’t live in the same house as my daughter I’m still a father to her, not only financially but also being front and center, making sure she see’s my face and hears my voice. I feel that term should only be used for dead beat dads who want nothing to do with their children, wether they were married or not, and for bitter mothers who use the kids to either try to get the man back or take revenge on the man for whatever reason. Society can call me what it wants, I pay it no mind, but the mother of my child and the rest of my family knows I’m not that and never to call me that!
Okay this is my last reply.
Smith guy I hear what your saying but the FYI never did I have to do any research, this is things that I already knew. Never did I once looked up any of my facts. You keep saying all this wanna be positive things about why things are the way they are and what we need to do. but just like Infinite7154, you keep using the word which means just like him your not really commited to a change. How are you trying to change it? Smith, Are you now strapping up when your fornicating? Are you abstinence until marraige? Infinite7154, what are you doing??? Your married so I cant ask you the same questions but what are you physically doing out here to make a change?
You guys are talking about what a single mother should do, but at the end of the day most of these mothers are good even when they are taking care of these kids on their own. but since you feel so stringly about it, why dont you go sign up to be a Big brother or something. Volunteer at a Y, The boys and girls club, or whatever that you can do to help by being a mentor. So what if they had a child out of wedlock, as long as they are well taking care of and they arent doing wrong by them what is the big problem. Im not saying that its okay but We are living in a new era. Times have changed. When will you?
Its easy to talk the talk but what are you doing to help, since you obviously have a problem with single mothers. You bring up a good point when you said that “It’s bad enough that our children out in the streets killing one another because of one stupid reason after another.”
Im part of the ROC the PEACE community have you ever attended or been to any sort of rallies/march that we or any of the other community sources have, if not again change starts with yourself . Don’t just blog/reply about it; be about it.
LD220 I don’t know if you plan on responding again but it is worthless. I’m glad to see there is still sistas out here that doesn’t accept mediocrity. Just like you I am an advocate against that term and otherslike it.
And…Vanedda R. Dixon This is why “they” look at us the way they do now because of a tacky reply as yours. I suppose you like when a man calls you a B*&^%^ too. Sista wake the hell up and know your worth and thats what it is.
This has been a good experience here, and I am glad to have read this blog
Its been real you guys, but Im out.
Please don’t take this or make this an attack on single mother’s. It’s an attack on a society that continues it’s moral decline. It is a new era, but is it a better era? Every generation of Americans has been better and more affluent than the last…until now. We have slid so far down the rabbit hole than any and everything is ok as long as we feel good about it. I use the words because this is what I’m writing about. This is the current topic of discussion.
Reality35, what I did was marry my wife and help her take care of her 2 children along with the one I helped create. I was 25 when my son was born, I am now 40. No woman has ever been pregnant by me since my son’s mother because I take the necessary precautions. I have 8 God-Children that I’m a male influence on. One lived with me for a while because his mother couldn’t handle him and his father wasn’t up to it. I commend everything you do in the community…but I do mine a little closer to home.
I advocate marriage whole heartedly…the Bible says He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. I need all the favor I can get.
Let me just say this, I am going through a pre training to become a foster parent, I am helping my first foster mom with the foster kids she has, I am/was a football coach and mentor. I am currently looking for groups I can attend and be apart off to help our young society. So am I doing a whole lot not really but I m doing! I think this whole blog needs to be shown to for every to see in hopes it will encourage men adn women to step up and start making a difference. Thanks for the sharing!
Real talk Infinite, if I took nothing from this blog and all the comments but one thing, it would be your quote from the bible in your last paragraph. If morally, our generation could step it’s game up and take heed to REAL values as well…alot (if any) of this ignorant babymomma/babydaddy mentality and unnecessary drama wouldn’t even be an issue. Have we not learned by now, having greater standards for our lives and wanting more for ourselves than having to deal these issues require thinking with what’s above our shoulders and not our private parts. I may’ve skated off topic a bit but I’m so tired of men and women with this bm/bd mess. Truth of the matter is it can all be brought a stop or an all time low, and we can all play a better role in making that happen…
NO SWEETIE A WORD ONLY HAS AS MUCH POWER AS YOU GIVE IT. I WAS CLOWNING WHEN I POSTED THAT BECAUSE MY BROTHER INFINITE ASKED ME TO COMMENT WHEN I WASN’T REALLY READY TO. MY NAME IS VANEDDA THAT IS WHO I WAS BORN AND WHO I WILL DIE, WHAT ANYONE CALLS ME IN BETWEEN I CAN SHAKE IT OFF. NOT THAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN BUT I AM CURRENTLY A CHILD OF GOD AND CAN HANDLE ANYTHING THROWN AT ME SPECIALLY SOMETHING AS MINIMAL AS NAME CALLING. I WORK 2 JOBS TAKE CARE OF MY CHILDREN AND MAKE SURE THEY HAVE ALL OF THEIR NEEDS AND MOST OF THEIR DESIRES. I AM A STRONG BLACK WOMAN WITH VERY STRONG FAITH. ANY LABEL THAT SOCIETY OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER PUTS ON ME FOR THE CHOICES I HAVE MADE SO BE IT. LIKE I SAID I AM THE MOTHER OF HIS BABY NOT HIS WIFE SO WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL IT? AND FOR THE RECORD MY DAUGHTERS FATHER HAS NEVER SAID BABY MAMA WHEN REFERRING TO ME HE SAYS HIS DAUGHTERS MOTHER BUT THAT IS REALLY NO DIFFERENT THAN BABY MAMA SINCE IM NOT HIS WIFE
Thanks Sis…this is the point I was making.
I dont usually comment on blog just read em. but Ummm?!?! I dont think reality35 is reading anymore. I could’a swore I read her last comment saying she was done replying. lol This blog went in though. ld220 and reality35 went hard, especially reality35. This was a good one they kept this blog entertainin. I hope to see some more from yall. I came to work today hopin to read way more
Emob she might be done replying but I promise u she read what I replied. She’s argumentative so she wants to know what I had to say but by not replying it appears she had the last word. But its cool. She can have her shine
O and anytime big brother