My people, my people, my people! I want to say a heartfelt thank you for making my first blog post such a rousing success. The bar has been raised! Today is Pt. 2 of Baby Mama/Baby Daddy issues. What I want to get into and figure out is this: Why is it so hard to understand a break up is just that; A Break Up!
This question has bothered me for years because I know how I deal with my son’s mother. We broke up in 1999 and that’s the last time I’ve attempted to touch her. I take care of my son and that’s it. I know bm’s/bd’s who have started relationships with other people but the bm/bd is lurking in the shadows somewhere. Let me explain.
It's Over!
Ladies, you know what it’s like to meet a really nice dude. He treats you well, he looks good, he has an income and he has a son/daughter. You guys go out, have fun, text each other all the time(NOBODY talks on the phone anymore!) added pictures to Facebook and changed status from single to in a relationship. Everything is beautiful until his bm finds out he’s seeing someone seriously. Now she’s .45 hot! The texts start coming, out of the blue, “You messin’ with my Baby Daddy”, “You know we still f*@king”,”You just his side h@#” and on and on it goes. She keys his car and throws bricks through your windows. She has her friends call you and hanging up all times of night. She’s playing on your Facebook page. She won’t let her bd pick up his kid(s) To his credit, your new man tells his bm to kick rocks, he’s moved on. You don’t trip, you get the windows fixed and change all of your numbers. BUT…this type of behavior by his bm puts a strain on the relationship and makes you start to wonder how long you can take it. I mean, he’s a catch but are the headaches caused by his bm really worth it? You have to deal with this at least until the baby is 18. WTF!
Leave My Baby Daddy Alone!
Fellas, she’s top notch, USDA grade A Woman! You can’t get much better than her. She handles her business and treats you like a man. You’ve said the Big L word to her and you’re ready to make an honest woman out of her(that means marriage to all you young people) . BUT…you’re going to end up dead or in prison because her bd is a certifiable nut! This dude pops up at the house at midnight talking about he wants to see his kid. He’s calling her job stressing her out. He’s telling her he doesn’t want another n*&ga around his child.(Forget the fact that HE hasn’t been around his child, but that’s another story). You see him in the streets, in the club and it’s a problem on sight. Your woman is doing her job letting bd know she’s with you, she’s riding with you with no matter what. Her bd just doesn’t get it and you are getting real tired of the violations. What do you do? How long do you stick around? How long before you lose your mind and push his wig back?
If you noticed I never once made mention of the kids…because the kids don’t matter in these situations. BM/BD don’t give a damn about how the kids feel, they only care about themselves. They’re hurt and they want to cause as much destruction to the relationship as they can. They figure “If I can’t have you, nobody can!” It’s so sad, yet it happens everyday. Share your stories, tell me how you handled the situation. As always, leave a comment and I’ll respond. Peace!
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I do agree with what you wrote. All of that can happen at times, but I will say this… The ones that are experiencing things like this are only in that those types of predicaments because they choose to. They don’t have be in that situation if they really don’t want to. As far as the new mate sticking around while all that drama is going on. I think they should reconsider the relationship. Truth be told if I were in a relationship with someone who had a child and the mother starting acting out, I’d fall back from the whole situation. I don’t want to deal with the backlash because of what they have going on between the two of them. That’s just me. If the relationship starts out rocky and you see the signs of the drama, get the hell out of it quick because it’s only going to get worse as time goes on, especially as you and your mate gets closer with each other. It’s too much of a headache. I’ll admit that it may not be fair to punish the person that you’re in the relationship with because of the baggage they may carry. If he or she is acting crazy and your mate is not checking the bm/bd about the situation, then that’s a whole other story. That should definitely send up a caution signal. Maybe the baby momma/ baby daddy like to play the whole cat mouse game. Maybe that’s just simply how the two get down. Bottom line, if your mate is really into you he or she will man/women up and put the father or mother of the child in their place.
LD220, you are right…it’s all a choice. If the bs starts, when does it end? Now answer this, what happens if you fall in love with this person, you really care about this person and can see building a life with them? Do you stay or do you go? If there are issues, is this the straw that breaks the camels back? What if this is the only real issue? I can attest to this, it’s hard to find a good woman out there and when you find that one, you hold on for dear life.
Firts, infinite7154, I agree with you. My opinion to those that are going through a situation like this, is if the both of you are really into one another I believe the two of you should stick it, be supportive of one another. Take the necceassary steps you have to take to cease all drama ( court,order protections, lock they silly a#@ up). When two people find true happyness nothing should come between the two of them. But its truley up to the individuals to see that and feel that. Bottom line though, we as men and women should start evaluating the crazy people we make magic with cause if they crazy and full of drama chances are the signs will be there from the start. Also we should be teaching are children how to spot drama and crazy individules by installing morals and standards in them from the start and teaching them the meaning of marriage and commitment. We must as adults be teaching our kids the meaning behind finding a mate. Once we conquor this I believe we should see a drop in kids made out of wedlock and we should see a decrease in bm/bd’s. Just my opinion.
You are so right Will, it all starts at home teaching the children those morals and values from the beginning. And you are 100% correct, we see the signs! Very rarely does this happen where we are caught by total surprise.
Let me tell you from experience I have a wife and baby moms and the baby moms have a problem with my wife because she saw I treat my wife better than I did with her and she thought I would never find someone so she started a whole bunch of drama where she don’t even want to have peace
1. Me personally, No I don’t believe I could stay. Through the love and all, I am in no way going to deal with the BS just bc he is not man enough to handle his handle. Tres` is definitely a crowd. Once he is able to handle the situation so that she doesn’t continue to be a pain and an issue in our relationship, then we can move forward. If I was in that situation, I’d wonder…Why isn’t he doing what needs to be done to stop the madness? Is there still some type of feelings there? In all actuality does he really like the foolishness? What’s the real reason why he won’t confront her about it? We could never build on what we have if there is a constant problem that’s not being solved. For instance, everything between a couple could start off very good. But with the drama the child’s mother is bringing will make everything go sour. The girlfriend would start to bitch at him bc of the drama, He gets frustrated thinking that she is tripping bc she’s bitching at him. All of the back and forth between the two now turns into anger towards each other. Now either one of them are no longer happy in the relationship. At the end of the day, Love can quickly be replaced by hate. Until He /She can get their situation under control, they should not be trying to get seriously involved with anyone just yet. Release all the baggage first.
And that’s really the point LD, what are we doing to nip the issues in the bud? Are we using the court system? Are we even telling the bm/bd to cut it out? I do believe there are lingering feelings there when all necessary steps aren’t being taken but I don’t believe they are always feelings of love. People are afraid of their bm/bd. You saw “Four Colored Girls”, people are crazy and will hurt the kids because that’s the only way to hurt you. If this is a person you truly care about, you ride with them and encourage them to take action. If they continue not to, you get missing. If they show you they’re doing what they need to do and things continue to happen, you have a choice to make. The bottom line, crazy people are crazy regardless of a court order or going to jail a couple of times
Oh yeah, secondly, I truely hate the term Baby momma/ Baby daddy. 🙁
Come up with a more appropriate term and I will begin to use it
I believe the terms “baby momma/ babby daddy” are correct, they label a person and give meaning to the poeple behind the label.With that said a baby momma, is a women I used to be involve with and we have a child to gether and thats the extent of our communication and relationship to eachother. Babby daddy the same thing. So I believe they are perfect labels.
There are plenty of other terms. How about…
Ex: the mother or Father of my child
Ex: My Daughter’s or Son’s Mother.
Ex: Son’s or Daughter’s Father.
You know we’re lazy, that’s too many words. I do say my son’s mother instead of baby mama; he’s almost 15, he ain’t no baby!
I truly can’t stand those terms either. NEVER call me that. I feel that if you’re a REAL WOMAN/MAN and do not let your personal emotions and wants interfere with your child’s realationship with the other parent, you handle your business and respect the sitaution for what it is and MOVE ON in life…then, you deserve being referred to as the child’s mother/father. Now, if you can’t respect that your child’s other parent is not with you (and may be with someone else) but wants to be a parent but you continuously act ignorantly using your child…then you don’t deserve a respectful term…you deserve being called a babymomma/daddy. You can’t be disrespectful and expect respect…
Ok, so there we go. Most of the time when we use those terms we are speaking about someone we generally don’t respect. I know a lot of birds who define themselves by who their baby daddy is. You can’t expect a man to respect you more than you respect yourself. I mean after the break up, you get demoted. You went from being his girl or wifey down to the baby mama. It’s messed up, but that’s the way it is. However, I do have a solution to the problem…
…do share.
Be here on Wednesday!