11/14/2012
Dear (Insert your name here):
I hope this letter finds you in the best of spiritual health. I understand that you may not want to hear from me at this time but this is the best way for me to communicate to you what I’m feeling and the reasons I did the things that I did. I’m not going to make any excuses and I don’t expect you to understand everything. I just hope that you’ll have an open mind and really listen to what I have to say.
Since we are talking about communication let me just say I heard everything you said. I understand you don’t want me out all times of night. I get that you got tired of my phone going off at ungodly hours. I heard you say you wanted me to spend more time at home with you. The thing is HOW you say those things to me makes my blood boil. I’m not saying that I speak to you in the best tones or I don’t say things I shouldn’t say. What I am saying is I can’t have you talking to me like that. The only thing that I will protect as much as my family is my sense of manhood. Outside our home I am bombarded by entities doing their damnedest to take what little I can call my own in this world. My boss disrespects me, the police violate me…the last thing I need is to come home and hear you yell and scream at me because we haven’t found a better way to express our feelings, especially when we’re upset. I need to retain what little bit of manhood I have left in me in my home. I don’t want this to sound like I’m making an excuse or blaming you for anything. This is all on me. I have to be able to separate what is happening in the world and what’s happening in our home.
This IS my fault…and when I said I was just fuckin’ those girls, I truly feel that. We look at sex differently. I can have sex with a bunch of broads and not feel anything about it. I know that doesn’t make it right, it just makes it what it is for me. I cheated on you. There’s no excuse for that. I don’t know what it is that causes me to see a female and feel the need to conquer her. In the words of 2 Chainz “I love bad bitches, that my fuckin’ problem. And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fuckin’ problem…” And I’m not going to beat you in the head with men are hunters and the thrill of the chase and all that other psycho babble. I do it because I didn’t really understand what I had at home with you. I didn’t need anything from those girls, they didn’t bring any enhancements to my life. I rolled the dice and I crapped out.
Even when you talk to me crazy, get in my face, go through my phone, check my Facebook, I have to control my anger. There’s no reason for me to put my hands on you. Absolutely no reason. You aren’t putting me in danger, you aren’t hurting me, you aren’t trying to kill me. I need to keep my hands to myself. I can’t call myself a man if I’m harming my woman. You are my better half and by hurting you I’m really hurting myself. How can I build anything with someone who is deathly afraid of me? Please hear me on this…I am going to get help. Not to get you back but to make sure I don’t teach my sons and daughters these actions are ok. When I think about the bruises and the tears that I caused I am deeply ashamed of myself. You don’t deserve the abuse. You deserve so much better.
I love our children…I really do. For some reason I can’t seem to separate my love for them from the love I have for you. I know I’m supposed to take care of my children regardless of what happens. I can’t. When I see them, I see you. So I don’t handle my business with the kids because I believe it’ll make you call me. I believe you’ll want me back so that I will have a relationship with my kids. It’s sick logic, I know…but it’s the only hope I have. It sounds selfish, it is really selfish. I know my kids suffer for it, I know they miss me and want me around. I don’t mean to make those promises to come get them or come see them and I know it hurts them immensely. What hurts them hurts you and I think that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m using the kids as pawns in my sick, twisted game to get you back. I love you so blindly that I can’t see the pain and destruction that I’m causing.
So here I am…I know I am wrong. I’m admitting to you that I am dead ass wrong, I’m foul and totally disrespectful. This is why I’m getting all the help I can. I have counseling later today. I’m also in contact with my Pastor. I’m not looking for you to take me back. I don’t even expect you to accept my apology. I just needed to express to you my deepest and sincerest apologies for all the pain and suffering that I caused you in the time we were together. Please read this to my kids, and explain to them what I’m trying to say. I am going to step up and handle my business. I am going to become the man my parents intended. I’m going to continue to love you and our children. Most importantly, I’m going to learn to love myself.
This is an open letter to all those who have been hurt by the stupidity of a man. We aren’t the brightest creatures in the world and we do some really stupid things at times. I hope this will at least provide a small glimpse of clarity to the reasons for some of our actions. Again, no excuses, just some sort of explanation. Thank you…
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